goals are just wishes that never come true

I don't think that I am very good at writing. When I reread my work I think it sounds like I am trying to write too hard, if that makes sense. Maybe I will get better someday. Who knows? Anyway, I wrote this and I think I am going to try to edit it and make a book out of it. I've talked about this before. Well I'm gonna try to do it for real. Soon. In case I don't though, it was really easy to copy and paste the raw version here. There's a bonus scan of a drawing I did at the end for people who want to interact with the scroll bar. Have fun!

Clark Allen - 2018 lol

My Movie Ideas

1. A girl with a lisp and a limp has sex for the first time.

2. A man with a brain tumor gets a job as a pastry chef.

3. A dog wearing a life vest gleefully leaps off a sailboat to pursue a new life.

4. A manager of a Lens Express calls his wife a “cunt” on the phone and all of his colleagues hear him.

5. A teenage girl shares a bowl of ice cream with her dog to thunderous applause.

6. A heartbreaking tale of a chimpanzee with epilepsy and its emotional bond with its best friend the zookeeper.

7. A new dad throws up at the first sight of his disappointing offspring.

8. A middle grade P.E. teacher exposes himself to a number of the quieter students who won’t tell, contributing to a number of problems for them as they grow older.

9. A disabled teenager tells her religious mom that she doesn’t believe in the soul.

10. A wedding in the park is simply ruined.

11. A hotshot lawyer shits his suit.

12. A cat travels back in time to the year 530 BCE and falls asleep on a wide, flat rock in the sun.

13. A homeless man’s suicide attempt is thwarted mid-process leaving him disfigured and unable to speak clearly.

14. A lowlife wastes two perfectly nice people just for some spending cash.

15. A dozen hotdogs float across a public pool.

16. A white man attempts to impress a black man with an urban patois.

17. A single mother struggles with a demanding waitressing position and night school and a child with Asperger’s syndrome.

18. A couple of boys skip school on a rainy day and steal Coca-Colas from a bodega and spend the afternoon spitting the Coca-Cola on each other in the park.

19. A man tells some people he is an artist but can’t prove it.

20. A strange compulsion comes over the young girl prompting her to build a complex machine in the basement.

21. A huge horsefly lands on the tongue of a yawning woman causing her to freak out and drop her baby.

22. A billionaire wakes up from his midday siesta to discover that every penny he has ever coveted has been replaced with a venomous snake at a 1/1 ratio.

23. A stupid guy fakes a headache to get out of paying child support but of course it doesn’t work.

24. A hog marries the boy and the boy don’t mind.

25. A lot of weird media surrounds a fiasco in which The Prime Minister is recorded sucking lemons alone in bed.

26. A dog writes a memoir about its youth entitled “One Thirsty Puppy.”

27. A woman with a PMA tattoo on her knee has three miscarriages in a year.

28. A boy brings his pet snake to school but it dies in his backpack so nobody believes it’s real.

29. A mentally disabled guy wins a marathon in spite of a viscous crowd which boos and throws sticks and bottles and rocks at him the whole time.

30. A pretty young doe falls in love with a handsome young buck from the bad side of the woods.

31. A kid travels to an alternate dimension where nobody ever invented shoes and everyone has totally mangled feet.

32. A pair of twins wins a small fortune on a call-in radio show and spends the money looking for their lost father who disappeared in South America a decade before.

33. A pro golfer is held for ransom by dangerous lunatics.

34. A dangerous lunatic is held for ransom by pro golfers.

35. A pro golfer is able to impregnate each hole on the golf course in one stroke.

36. A sick little girl wishes for her teddy bear comes to life and it does but it has the same life threatening pulmonary condition as her.

37. A famous poet commits suicide and people act sad but what is unspoken is that everyone knows a true artist must pass tragically.

38. A stressed out single parent turns to a life of crime and the crime is lying about their children’s age and putting them to work in a coal mine.

39. A threesome goes awry when the feds take control!

40. A green tea enthusiast is scalded beyond recognition by a sadistic maniac.
41. A president is replaced by a clone angering some while others ask what is the real difference anyway?

42. A dude says “work that azz, bitch” to his girlfriend and then dies immediately after.
43. A study is released implying that doggy and kitty milk will add life to your years cueing many health minded Americans to make new demands of their local supermarket.

44. A monkey falls into a lagoon while attempting to give its own reflection a smooch.

45. A baffling crime scene investigation is ground zero for the famous detective’s surprise party.

46. A huge orc knits a huge hat.

47. A can of “nuts’ that in actuality contains a spring loaded fake snake is opened, the novelty snake shooting forth with enough velocity to fracture a skull.

48. A hate group against lemonade- they hate that stuff!

49. A guy makes a documentary about his wavering commitment to his girlfriend and she sees it and is like “What the fuck, asshole?”

50. A PTA meeting is suddenly assaulted with an inexplicable odor.

51. A man eats his hand.
52. A snake plays pro hockey.

53. A taqueria is possessed by the devil, the meat is people you love and the salsa is caliente!
54. A new mama severs the umbilical cord herself, throwing it at her husband and hitting him SPLAT right in the kisser.

55. A third grade teacher addresses the class in a booming voice “I AM MISTER PAINE.”

56. A rich boy buys a PHD and the right to practice medicine.

57. A group of children living in the city dump find a stockpile of recalled energy drinks that make them strong.

58. A five year coma patient jumps up like “Siiiiiiiiike!”

59. A polymorph granges the leadline straining a small but dangerous numerical rift in the heat-space dimension 2.

60. A little girl gets her first period while trying on her mom’s wedding dress in the attic.
61. A hippie from the 60s travels through time to the present day and questions the validity of the movement he is attached to for the first time.

62. A chicken is elected to be the next president of the United States of America.
63. A chicken sandwich is elected to be the next president of the United States of America.
64. A dog named Reagan gives a very conservative political speech.

65. A polar bear dyes itself brown and heads south for the winter.

66. A sponsor for an AA member is driven to alcoholism by the very person he swore to protect.

67. A boy is locked in a box and slapped.

68. A kid named Biscuit and a dog named Mikhail have a mystery to solve.

69. A worker with sort of Stockholm syndrome kind of relationship to his job dies and his ghost shows up to work the next day which garners a raise.

70. A hot chick mutates rapidly.

71. A naked man leads a blind man down a long hallway.

72. A couple of parents so disappointed in their son that they legally change his name to condom.

73. A whole shitload of rich people are tortured, humiliated, and deprived of food and water for the disgusting crime of retaining wealth in a world with so much suffering the fucking assholes deserve it.

74. A senior in college makes a documentary in which he seduces his own mother and presents it to the class.

75. A billionaire treats himself to a banana split with rainbow sprinkles.

76. A sentient pillow commits suicide by filling itself with cement.

77. A left wing radical shops for vitamins and incense.

78. A comedian has a baby that is funnier than her and in the sequel she has another baby that is even more hilarious.

79. A BBQ is spoiled when some aliens abduct the food.

80. A librarian struggle to remain employed after a severe head trauma knocks all the words out.

81. A rich pervert gets his fingers and thumbs removed and replaced with ten dicks.

82. A woman gets the better of her abusive husband and makes him walk on a leash on all fours and eat out of a bowl on the floor.

83. A pregnant woman goes into labor on the dance floor and the baby boogies its way on out.

84. A few dogs get together and actually learn to play poker

85. A weird government thing happens and soap is banned so everyone is way dirty in this movie.

86. A team of armed gunmen blow through the suburbs indiscriminately riddling bodies with bullets and everyone’s into it screaming “Me next, me next!”

87. A snake enthusiast wins a gold plated dish on a televised trivia show and when he is asked if he wants to thank anyone he thanks snakes.

88. A cartoon donkey steps out of the television and starts saying some really racist shit.

89. A priest walks his dog across the Americas.

90. A mime’s shitty career.

91. A baby just kind of floats up into the sky, giggling.

92. A criminal cop is arrested by the grim reaper.

93. A little league team that has collective seizures every time they win.

94. A furious man who throws bones at his enemies and his enemies are everywhere.

95. A milk contest at midnight.

96. A foreign government agent spends a week in a DMVt trashcan collecting identity information.

97. A new cola for bathing hits the market.

98. A Nazi memorabilia enthusiast bores his neighbor to death.

99. A new kind of disease transmitted through football.

100. A two liter of Red Bull drunk on a dare kills a little boy but in the seconds before his death he sees one thousand years into the future.

101. A world renowned winemaker has secretly been peeing in those barrels.

102. A duck waits in line at the food bank.

103. A 3D movie gives a young boy his first erection.

104. A slimy power begins oozing.

105. A bathtub falls in love with a toilet.

106. A giant butterfly net descends from the heavens and takes away all the butterflies.

107. A grown ass man attends a children's book reading at a public library and enjoys and afternoon being read to.

108. A coroner love pranks and his favorite prank is to call people and tell them their parents are still alive.

109. A coconut milk transfusion.

110. A rebellions strawberry farmer gives a controversial speech at the annual strawberry festival.

111. A salad is made so poorly that anyone who see it feel a deep sense of tragedy and is driven to weep uncontrollably.

112. A gender rolla gay.
113. A bathtub that can think is grossed out by naked people.

114. A melon turns into a frog as a surprise!

115. A real estate agent with a face that pulsates weirdly every time a sale is made.

116. A couple of idiots try to eat their lunch at a crowded dog park.

117. A dog and its owner share the same bowl to save money.

118. A beaded curtain is the gateway to disappointment.

119. A grandma mistakes a “juggalos for hire” ad as “jugglers for hire” ad when planning her grandson’s birthday.

120. A licker and a dripper chase some terrified teens through the park at midnight.

121. A crazy cult replaces all the world’s drinking water with kombucha.

122. A man bakes himself into a cake to surprise his wife and she loves it!

123. A metal band calls upon Satan to violate their audience he shows up and he really is red!

124. A man lays down in the shower because he has no dignity.

125. A horse wins the election this year.

126. A grimy lowlife makes a power play for the crown.

127. A disposition is sunny with a chance of smiles!

128. A Cure concert in Saudi Arabia goes awry when they play ‘Killing an Arab.’

129. A high number of golf caddies is sucked into the sand on this particular par four course.

130. A massive spiral rotates on screen during the credits, hypnotizing the audience into seeing the movie again.

131. A person with a pro-choice stance and a person with a pro-life stance play a deadly game of cat and mouse.

132. A hotel manager takes a gamble and equips all the rooms with leather sheets.

133. A ponytail begs to be wagged.

134. A boy saves and saves his allowance until finally he can afford to have Flea play the Seinfeld theme at his birthday party.

135. A man who cannot count suspects that he has too many fingers.

136. A comedian becomes very successful due to his hilarious snake jokes.

137. A disease infects everyone in NYC to start fucking at once and boy does it get ugly.

138. A laundromat that is also a church.

139. A cockroach flies out of a politician’s mouth on live television.

140. A store called “Skeleton” opens and it is very successful because everyone loves the name so much.

141. A priest who can’t read just makes up some wiley-ass shit that sounds “biblical” whenever he preaches and it works pretty good.

142. A composer with some ambition brings the symphony to the barnyard.

143. A couple of new age parents keep hitting the Lamaze class on acid, it’s annoying.

144. A toddler finds a glass eye on the ground and puts it in his mouth.

145. A prison where the guards don’t give a shit what you do, it’s like a party in there.

146. A cereal that screams becomes hugely popular with children.

147. A slaughterhouse gets up and starts walking around town dripping blood and gore and animal parts everywhere and people start puking.

148. A sick man is cured by a magic wand.

149. A dark stranger rides into town with two saddlebags full of powerful methamphetamines.

150. A truck driver picks up a hitchhiker and immediately starts licking him all over.

151. A little pixie flies around whispering poems into the ears of sad people.

152. A bunch of cops give up the shooting unarmed minorities thing and just straight up start raping them and thing go pretty much how you’d expect.

153. A magic saw that can cut off Florida so it can float away and finally do whatever crazy ass shit that it wants.

154. A scientist learns how to talk to trees and they are having all sorts of wise and fascinating conversations.

155. A group of motorcyclists camp out in an abandoned office building where people once workshopped PC anti-virus software.

156. A porno shop clerk goes on worldwide porno shop tour.

157. A scholar discovers that Jack London plagiarized Call of the Wild from the memoir of the dog who actually lived that life.

*bad one*

158. A Snapple enthusiast plays a number of dead end acoustic shows at a local coffee shop, drinks a Snapple every time.

159. A suicide pact is the ultimate demonstration of trust.

160. A lover of mystery finds a glory hole.

161. A Dracula bites a wolfman but the wolfman bites the Dracula back and then there are “Two” Many Wolfulas (title).

162. A guy sounds like he just sucked down a helium balloon right after he goes down on his wife.

163. A tampon fetishist finds his dream job.

164. A girl breaks up with her boyfriend because he takes baths in the morning.

165. A popular recipe at the chili cookoff this year is seasoned by a bad boy who likes to bathe in that hot stuff.

166. A woman gives birth to a stack of one hundred dollar bills.

167. A soup kitchen / recording studio discovers a star.

168. A detective grows a ponytail overnight and he’s gotta figure out why.

169. A new MMORPG has the president hooked.

170. A slime store is a huge success, the new hip trend for the socially savvy.

171. A political pundit ‘pundits’ a congressman right between the buns.

172. A retired janitor hijacks a school bus.
173. A retired longshoreman hijacks a speedboat.

174. A cop doesn’t get away with murdering a black person for fucking once.

175. A retired professor hijacks his colleagues award acceptance speech.

176. A great new product has all the people talking.

177. A new world order assigns a gender to all thing, of which there are plenty, far more than two.

178. A webmaster deals in the incorporeal.

179. A hairstyle is copywritten.

180. A bible study group that opts to replace Christ with sad clown has a high success rate of creating new true believers

181. A black fire truck with a mind of its own.

182. A dad forgets his son’s name for a couple of weeks.

183. A pervert waits at the foot of the bed with scoop of chocolate ice cream ready to sneak in there.

184. A book published by Chick-Fil-A becomes a bestseller.

185. A bad boy revs it up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

186. A rascal race.

187. A set of windchimes that don’t work.

188. A Mars Volta cover band is not so successful.

189. A White Castle employee tries to get his songwriting career going.

190. A spaceship full of centaurs shows up.

191. A new STD where the penis grows a clown nose it sounds like laughter when it busts one.

192. A Jamba Juice employee who lives in the sewer.

193. A bunch of skunks team up to spray the mayor.

194. A volcano erupts but instead of lava it’s a jizz volcano and maybe that’s gross but also wondrous and inspiring as this world remains one of infinite mystery.

195. A train conductor goes a little bonkers and starts punctuating his arrival with “choo choo” every time he shows up anywhere.

196. A troubled king begins a dream journal.

197. A Whole Foods with a clothing optional policy.

198. A psychic prison created by free jazz.

199. A Nobel Prize goes to Michael Crichton.

200. A hairless cat with the face of man.

201. A good amount of people start talking like how opera sounds.

202. A vegetarian curry that tastes like a black hole’s wild eyed longing for the light.

203. A ranch where man and pony live as equal.

204. A shark in the dark.

205. A shark in the dark 2.

206. A Boston Terrier becomes the mayor of Boston.

207. A Blue Heeler is wearing blue high heels at the fashion show.

208. A German Shepherd is herding all the Germans into one big field.

209. A seeing eye dog looks through some binoculars, telescopes, etc.

210. A Golden Retriever teaches us that gold is truly valueless and that the only gold worth retrieving is the compassion you have for life in this world, lying deep within your heart.

211. A King Charles Spaniel lifts his leg and gets that mean ol’ king all wet.

212. A Husky gets fat.

213. A Great Dane brings peace and equality to the state of Denmark.

214. A Toy Poodle manages the highest rated Toys-R-Us on Yelp.

215. A Neapolitan Mastiff has a Neapolitan ice cream dessert with fake chocolate of course.

216. A Scottish Terrier so cute frolicking on its bagpipe shaped bed in a little kilt.

217. A unanimous judgement to that a better term for “bathing” is “gestation.”
218. A huge rat is awarded the World’s Biggest Rat award- imagine how big!

219. A muppet movie that lasts for 72 hours!

220. A construction company hires 1,000 monkeys to do the job.

221. A catered wedding serves 24 inch tater tots by mistake.

222. A weird change of pace when school shootings become totally legal.

223. A couple of queer cannibals kidnap, kill, and grind various Republican senators into hamburger and cater gay cannibal weddings nationwide.

224. A boy licking an eel like a popsicle is wearing a mesh shirt because it’s a hot day in the city.

225. A teen street gang liberates the primates at the zoo and then they go hang out behind the supermarket and shar cigs, vodka, and one of the orangutans tries on a leather jacket.
226. A natural disaster wipes out social media.

227. A billionaire playboy runs over a clown on a joyride and thusly he’s cursed to become a clown for robbing the world of a maker of mirth.

228. A fine art museum curate curates the museum with shit he finds on the ground in the parking lot and Artforum is tweeting about it, calling it brilliant.
229. A Wikipedia contributor has an intense sexual relationship with various articles.

230. A bigfoot with a ten foot cock that drags across sticks and rocks as he runs through the forest.

231. A woman marries a mule, unhappily divorces, marries an empty beans can, same result, third marriage with a golden bathtub is reasonable but not perfect.

232. A will is read following the death of a popular online celebrity- various somber “@s” deliver intended inheritance to recipients but the question is who is logging in??

233. A sinister fusion restaurant uses glue.

234. A two hour montage of cops posing for photos, accepting awards, etc.

235. A homeless man with untreatable open sores on his neck and face massages his temples, struggling through another day of constant pain as he is ignored by society.

236. A live recording of George Bush Sr. watching the movie Pink Flamingos.

237. A luxurious stretch limousine backs out of an enormous anus and speeds off into the night.

238. A documentary about Q Lazzarus reveals that the original title and lyric to the song was “Hey Hey Horses.”
239. A man finds a marshmallow in his pocket every day for the rest of his life.

240. A priest is cursed to list the given name of every dog in the world.

241. A square egg for breakfast, a square egg for dessert.

242. A Smart & Final parking lot is full of cops loading two liters of soda into thier squad cars, no questions asked.

243. A vacation getaway island that heavily advertises other vacation getaway islands in an effort to staunch the constant flow of disrespectful tourists..

244. A president surprises the people by eating a bald eagle live at the podium when everyone was expecting a speech.

245. A couple of baseball teams wander onto the field and start sniffing each other’s butts like dogs for the pre-game warmup.

246. A latte art show in a hot part of town and some clumsy buffoon just bumped the display table!

247. A number of official complaints are registered when people suddenly start realizing that concept of a nation is a foolish one.

248. A couple of those ISIS guys play with their cats before they make another video.

249. A very big and veiny wiener shows up instead of the subway and people are desperately clinging to its slippery sides just trying to get home from a long day of work.

250. A DMX rap show becomes even more excellent when a second DMX shows up.

251. A very sensual night occurs when two DMXes show up to make love to a third.

252. A business owned by monied white people has a very high markup on juice and if you ask they will spend way too long explaining what you’re about to drink to you.

253. A long take of a 7/11 where everyone inside is depressed.

254. A New Lenny Kravitz song is so good people think it’s a joke.

255. A computer scans your face and body before you go into the theater so once you go in you can be shown a unique film rendition of yourself using a litterbox to go to the bathroom.

256. A successful pro ball player and stock trader makes lots of funny comments about net gains both on and off court.

257. A hearse shaped purse with a casket shaped wallet sells so well a documentary is made about it.

258. A dog walking on water in a bathtub.

259. A nice trend begins when all the mail carriers start wearing capes- “We should have done this a long time ago.” they all say.

260. A number of bank tellers quit en masse when they discover that bank employees can’t have spirit animals.

261. A detective is wondering how the tub got so dirty- someone in this room did it!
262. A long, long montage of egg yolks breaking.

263. A man made of rubber takes a bath.

264. A moose buys an Audi with sheer force as its currency.

265. A pastor has a sheet over something during his sermon until halfway through he pulls it off to reveal his wife- Hi Steph!

266. A bunch of mariachis hanging around the ice cream shop all day playing great songs!

267. A fairy godmother who talks like Andrew Dice Clay would probably be successful in theaters.

268. A big sack of potatoes with a little man hiding inside is transported across the ocean.

269. A celebrity chef cuts some ham into the shape of a star and the crowd goes wild!

270. A documentary about sticks and rocks could be interesting?
271. A human trafficker discusses the many downsides to his work and the intense guilt he feels but ultimately decides that the money is what is most important.

272. A movie made based on some boring junkie memoir.

273. A brilliant move by Disney when they start producing Scrooge McDuck credit cards and Gladstone Gander EBT cards.

274. A little girl is born hugging a cute little piglet.

275. A beautiful teenage angel boy descends to visit us mortals.

276. A unanimous decision replacing all movies w/ footage of fun dogs yields the Dog Oscars the following year, an enormous improvement.

277. A discovery that whispering “From Adorno to Zizek” three times at midnight brings the ghost of Marxist Theory to leave a severed horse head in your bed!
278. A date when the moon will come down to bounce upon us all is finally determined.
279. A movement of young poets refencing Facebook and Reddit et al gets boring really quick.

280. A cost breakdown of classless kick knacks sold at Wallgreens vs the hourly wage they pay their employees: The Movie.
281. A dirty old man is so dirty people think he is a small mound.

282. A government sting operation is interrupted by hella bees.

283. A study shows that many Kanye West is to rap music as Urban Outfitters is to fashion.

284. A chronicle of the making of a thirteen dollar apple sandwich.

285. A global warming thing is happening so when a shipment of eggs falls off boat the ocean is warm enough to incubate and so baby chicks was up on beaches around the world.

286. A pope pulls off his skin and yeah, we all knew it, he’s a lizard.

287. A geologist discovers a rock that talks but isn’t a very good listener, further scientists debate over its fairly obvious gender.

288. A hereditary monarchy of dog royalty.

289. A swimming pool full of watermelon juice that everyone is swimming in but this one freak keeps taking little sips.

290. A working class ant is examined beneath the scrutiny of a number of soft handed academics.

291. A certain futility is sensed by a person comparing two things- they can never be the same thing.

292. A dildo starts to sing.

293. A precocious dwarf riding the back of a giant numbskull becomes a successful community leader.

294. A bathtub with a saddle becomes popular in a niche market.

295. A single cucumber owner meets a double cucumber owner.

296. A restaurant serves cat sticks which are essentially fish sticks made from cat not fish.

297. A museum docent puts a thin layer of lotion on each of the tour headphones every morning.

298. A grown ass man who likes to eat eggs out of the sink.

299. A funky happenstance where only pairs of conjoined twins are at the gym that day.

300. A star registry as a gift is a huge disappointment to a couple on their wedding day, who asked for kitchenware.

301. A lady calculates exactly how many salads she’s eaten in a lifetime.

302. A neighboring tenant is a hideous witch.

303. A quadruple amputee is a fabulous lifeguard.

304. A butter company packages their butter in the shape of a human hand to boost sales.

305. A fancy party and everyone’s passing around an enormous meatball- have a slice.

306. A father empathetically pleads with his daughter not to get a “ceci n’est pas une pipe” back tattoo but it’s already too late.

307. A music teacher plays the flute with his fly down.

308. A good samaritan replaces all the billboards with colorful fake fur.

309. A blind guy devil outfit selling oysters along a lonesome mountain road at four a.m. doesn’t seem suspicious at all.

310. A study in parking lots reveals that there is no etiquette there.

311. A wise hog on a log in a bog ponders it’s chosen deity.

312. A fetishist who only likes to sit on the wettest of bus seats, otherwise standing.
313. A successful restaurant called Horse Treats is known to draw many celebrity equestrians who enjoy the horse cosplay aspects of the establishment.
314. A man who gives the trick-or-treaters fruit successfully gets the neighborhood thinking about healthy diet choices.

315. A child prodigy with an anti-capitalist agenda hijacks a nuclear sub.
316. A series of childish hijinks in the oval office lead the prez to wake up with a goose in his trousers.

317. A baby celebrity poker champ is caught in the porno theater.

318. A glass car is en vogue.

319. A freak electrical storm brings back Shakespeare and everyone is excited by his stubby arms and freaky big head.
320. A rack of short ribs takes the bus to work.

321. A talking sandwich dares you to eat it- “C’mon you fucking coward!” it screams.
322. A number of patients are saved by a mystery surgeon who lurks the hospital at night tending the assumed inoperable is finally discovered to be a gorilla with a scalpel.

323. A bunch of cute bunny rabbits eat lettuce out of my lap while I pet them.

324. A man born into wealth pauses to watch a handsome sixteen year old Subway employee sweep the floor through the window and is moved to tears.

325. A finger where a penis should be.

326. A naked woman composes a masterpiece on a golden harp surrounded by hairless cats.

327. A frat pranks the dean by filling his convertible with cum, guffawing churlishly while they do so.

328. A 101 Dalmatians fan gets 101 Dalmatian tattoos.
329. A bus with bare human feet instead of wheels runs the children to school.

330. A couple of pairs of conjoined twins debate their quantity- like are there four of them or two of them or what?
331. A little lizard makes a little cup of tea.

332. A waiter removes the bread basket from the table while one roll still remains, causing the diners to criticize the waiter amongst themselves, even though none of them were going to take the last roll.

333. A bath house that is Donald Duck orange juice themed, and people gestate in DDOJ while employees dressed as Donalds tend to them.
334. A hospital run by clowns.

335. A mud bath so good nobody wants to leave.
336. A band of dogs gets popular (they sound like Kraftwerk).
337. A former child star suffering from syphilis watches the films of his youth on his deathbed.
338. A number of orphans actually come from eggs and we’d better find out who’s laying them.

339. A law proclaims it’s not masturbation when the hand puppet is touching you.
340. A study of ergodic literature transcends itself by succeeding from the active consumption of “physical” information altogether.

341. A wealthy landowner laughs to himself as he watches the workers below trudge forth each morning to toil in his fields.

342. A miscarriage of immaculate conception.

343. A rainbow leads to a muscular stud with a nice ass.

344. A clown writes a series of novels entitled “My Struggle,” describing life in meandering detail.
345. A bottle of champagne with a genie in it.
346. A bottle of champagne with copy of Thomas Hobbes’ Leviathan in it.

347. A group of mice, a shrew, a badger, and some other forest animals are the best of friends.

348. A swarm of cockroaches collectively forms the shape of a sexy lady and drives a sports car.
349. A cop that never stops smiling.

350. A wet dog that shows up and shakes off every time you have a negative thought.

351. A bar that serves breast milk.
352. A guy whose race changes every time he sneezes.
353. A bathtub full of fried chicken on Craigslist.

354. A pallet of 12oz water bottles, each containing a human eyeball.

355. A cake with a Wi-Fi password inside.

356. A treasure map that leads to a skeleton smoking a cigarette.
357. A pig caught reading in the library squeals loudly as it retreats.
358. A complicated multi-billion dollar system is finally devised to determine who is best at catching and throwing.
359. A recount of a good podcast has the partygoers on the edge of their seat.
360. A mortician with a knife and fork arrives.

361. A story about a guy who believes that posting pics of his abs online is a good way to let people know that he’s a good kisser.

362. A powerful communist leader does a fat line of blow beneath the podium, rises and screams orders into the mic and the march begins!
363. A self-proclaimed “print addict” show off his strong web design portfolio.
364. A band of 33 year old alcoholics plays an all ages venue.
365. A Philip Guston painting comes to life and bums a smoke.

366. A condensed ball of evil thoughts is surgically removed from a politician's skull.

367. A doctor cures leukemia.

368. A severed hand is the special delivery.

369. A delicious recipe is carried by voices in a cold wind.

370. A spike in Anarchist Cookbook sales on Kindle.

371. A catastrophic event traps some people in a hair salon called We’re All Gonna Dye.
372. A rodeo in miniature.
373. A rodeo in lingerie.

374. A Lake Wobegon of the mind is so boring.

375. A woman sees her future husband in the punchbowl.

376. A Tesla engine that runs on human shit goes fast.

377. A crushed velvet hunting outfit is all the rage in the west this year.

378. A sorcerer’s magic eyeball is preserved in a vault obscured by a tapestry depicting the sorcerer in his youth.

379. A stockpile of miscellaneous pharmaceuticals in lieu of a cash prize is what’s up in this raffle!

380. A backpack opens, an albino emerges.

381. A mischievous spirit possesses the stone head of Teddy Roosevelt to kiss Lincoln on the cheek before hundreds of onlookers.

382. A farm produces gray hay.

383. A film theme with a croon so satisfying it sends shivers through the bodies in the audience.

384. A serial killer slays his victims with ninja stars.

385. A dreadlock is used as a fuse to ignite a bomb concealed by the CIA in a Caucasian man’s skull.

386. A subwoofer installed into a tombstone wakes the dead.

387. A number of senators and congress-people and judiciary workers actually spend like two seconds contemplating the challenges of poverty.

388. A CVS self-checkout machine accurately predicts each customer’s death printed onto its receipt tape.

389. A petty whim becomes law.

390. A billion deafening bells ring simultaneously at the birth of a new queen poised to rule world of silence.

391. A skunk that sprays Axe Body spray instead.

392. A loose bobby pin is enchanted by a magician to make its wearer feel wildly sexy.

393. A city inside a drop of dew and the sun is coming out!

394. A leather toothbrush gains popularity among the extreme.

395. A discma’am “for the ladies” hits the market to some consternation.

396. A vegetarian restaurant will serve a life sized tofu approximation of you on a silver platter for $100.00

397. A linguistic history of the high school yearbook senior quote with particular attention to vernacular shifts pre and post web access makes an award winning documentary.

398. A grave full of banana pudding with a nilla wafer tombstone.

399. A mansion in The Hamptons owned by a pig in a monocle also named Hampton.

400. A flaming horse ridden by the specter of death wins this race.

401. A haiku drives all who read it to madness.

402. A mail carrier delivers their own severed head to the wrong address.

403. A hay bale with googly eyes will be your waiter this evening.

404. A pair of underwear so complicated it takes a PHD to wear them.
405. A man with a waxed moustache in a black trench coat and top hat hurls a round bomb onto the track, disrupting the NASCARs.

406. A hardcore band on a DIY tour plays a house show and a leprechaun shows up.
407. A book club is discussing reading The Help and a leprechaun shows up.
408. A night where the stars shine a little brighter and some light house music can be heard soundtracking life itself.

409. A convicted felon finds a diamond in his prison mattress.

410. A workout routine that summons Satan and he’s fucking yolked and hella motivating.

411. A bank with such attractively low interest rates that customers are inspired to masturbate right there on the spot.

412. A tornado blows through town and switches everyone’s clothes at a moment’s notice but otherwise it’s all good.

413. A chicken lays eggs with such force that they shoot through the entire planet where a guy waits with a catcher's mitt to collect them on the other end.

414. A fisherman, after catching a boot, a can, an old tire, stares into the sky wondering how much longer he will be tortured by God.

415. A coconut that says hello when you open it.
416. A big talking egg in clown makeup gets a raise and a promotion.

417. A big talking egg in clown makeup rides a motorcycle across the country.

418. A meteorologist and occultist predicts it will rain blood, then rain money, then be really windy but never rain again and she’s right.

419. A boy king demands his milk.

420. A grand and marvelous ball attended only by babies.

421. A cynic gets tedious to listen to.

422. A big fat banker slaps his big fat belly with joy.

423. A team of basketball players who all have yin yang tattoos on their foreheads win just as often as they lose.

424. A clown replaces all the warheads with big banana cream pies.

425. A bounce over the river Kwai.

426. A white person and a black person watch Roots together and NPR dedicates an entire podcast to, the NY Times sells many papers with long articles on it, etc.

427. A world in which your religion is determined by a medical expert.

428. A satanic baby runs the dang country, does a great job, fixes healthcare.

429. “A gambling man once told me that God’s existence is exactly 50/50... and I like those odds.” is the line in the preview that will draw people in to see this flick.

430. A guy who’s “gay for pay” to support a heroin habit marries a woman obsessed with Victorian fabrics and cutting herself.

431. A new part to the Decline of Western Civilization franchise about techies gets pretty real.

432. A movie that conveys the fragility of our world, how lonely the people are after midnight, how absurd it is to be attracted to anything!

433. A merciless beating.

434. A movement to replace all cars with bulldozers instead.

435. A butler shuffles through an excessive, labyrinthine mansion, hurrying to master’s chamber carrying warm towels on a silver platter.

436. A cultural history of the pretzel would span centuries and make a fascinating documentary.

437. A tale from Blood City.

438. A basketball player whose career spans near a century because instead of traditionally aging they have a portrait in their closet that ages before them.

439. A gingerbread man caught asks why he was given life to begin with.

440. A poet takes a single Benadryl as a solemn admission of human frailty.

441. A funky slap bass every time the filing cabinet opens.

442. A Nike of flesh.
443. A cube shaped coffin, transparent, the body crammed in there all weird becomes the new standard.

445. A manual on how to lick a boot is written distributed by the wealthy amongst the poor.

446. A doctor cures being a racist, misogynistic, transphobic piece of shit.

447. A crowd gathers downtown around an enormous cake that has mysteriously arrived, the murmuring crowd occasionally speculating who might be inside.

448. A white boy busking with his sax is accused of being too honky.

449. A particular of the moon’s orbit influences all politician’s spouses to file for divorce simultaneously.

450. A frightening incident in which the president is beheaded but it grows back right before our eyes.

451. A scream is trapped in a plastic bag.

452. A couple of lovers stop when they realize the dog is watching.

453. A race to roll a billion pennies into those little paper sleeves.

454. A TMZ reporter with three arms.

455. A debate on which symphony is the ultimate symphony.

456. A handsome young man gets stoned and showers to a full Don Caballero album.

457. A derivative futurist thinks he is explaining something but is in fact explaining nothing.

459. A pony wins a Tony.

460. A lady peels a banana and finds Andy Warhol in there.

461. A newscaster keeps giggling on air- SOMEbody is tickling her feet!

462. A pope with no hope.

463. A guy who in every photograph ever taken of him appears as a different guy.

464. A boring sort of decadence permeates the homes of the rich.

465. A man lifted from earth by flies.

466. “A monkey could do this job” proves true every time.

467. A bestselling handbook for positive thinking bound in jagged metal.

468. A popular team building exercise in which the players are sewn together changes the world of sports.

469. A police officer shoots a person who immediately pops into a thousand tiny versions of himself, rushing forward to cover the and consume the officer's skin.

470. A buffet with a singing egg in it that everyone is afraid to eat.

471. A cigarette burns infinitely.

472. A gentleman reveals one leg shiny and gleaming, the other a dull grey.

473. A shopping center where the products choose who they like the best.

474. A baby that doesn’t deserve a kiss.

475. A massive oil painting depicting the cover to Pantera’s Far Beyond Driven sells for a such a massive amount of money that the auction audience just freaks and starts a circle pit right there.

476. A cobb salad for everyone.

477. A wet dog for president.

478. A squawk so loud the clothes blow right off your body.

479. A walking, talking trashcan is the barista.

480. A decision to make bullets the currency.

481. A cursed housewares aisle populated by a murder of crows, perching atop the high shelves looking on menacingly.

482. A flight that serves dog food but doesn’t tell the patrons that it’s dog food and almost everyone who orders a meal has at least one bite of dog food in the sky.

483. A projection of Elijah Wood as “scared Frodo” is on the moon but nobody can figure out where it is coming from.

485. A deadly battle for the last blade of grass on a totally paved planet earth.

486. A mule in the pool.

487. A naked person shows up to the Keith Haring with their body all painted up in his style and a lot of folks are like “Wow, so edgy.”

488. A time for more slogans is upon us.

489. A leader arises from the sewer.

490. A blues guitarist that is actually a blue person.

491. A number of spam emails turn out to be propositions from the overfiend.

492. A Chanel bag that cries for help when there’s no money inside.

493. A shirt that reads “You think I don’t Google centaurs?? YOU’RE WRONG!!!” is an incredibly popular sale item at Forever 21.

494. A periscope pops out of the gravy.

495. A rapper that raps about being barefoot only.

496. A slip-n-slide that uses pudding creates a lawsuit.

497. A bottomless pit for an Air BnB
498. A movie about a crime family where everyone has a super deep voice.

499. A surprise Six of Flapjacks befuddles the tarot master.

500. A fool says he’s gonna talk about boats only from now on and he means to prove it.

501. A family buys a house with bathtub in every room.

502. A family buys a house and they just fill it with useless shit and live there meaninglessly.

503. A man gives a woman his business card and she laughs in his face.

504. A photograph of a sleeping baby calms the furious warlord.

505. A guy running for the bus pushing his kid in a stroller- the kid is fucking terrified.

506. A baby lawyer takes on the case of a lifetime.

507. A diplomat discovers an in-depth wiki describing the particulars of his own body- who is writing this??
508. A kid whose father mows the lawn in sexy lingerie every weekend quietly meditates on what it means to foster life in this world.

509. A world leader interrupts his own speech shouting “Check this!” hucks the mic into the audience and a dog jumps up and catches it!

510. A new Star Wars movie forgoes ads and just uses free social media for promotion, using the millions on advertising to fund affordable housing and other altruistic projects.

511. A two hour video of a giant eating the planet like an apple, spitting carcasses like so many seeds.

512. A doll comes to life as a child’s Christmas wish but politely declines participating in the festivities as a tenant of the Jewish Orthodox.

513. A chicken lays a hotdog.

514. A cow tells a riddle.

515. A cop with cloven hooves.

516. A tyrant nation of nudists controls its resources with an iron fist.

517. A member of the NRA, Islamophobe, and men’s rights activist writes a sensitive verse detailing the struggles of his generation.

518. A baby that smokes cigars and talks like a longshoreman is the news district manager.

519. A swarm of locusts inside of a trench coat is the district manager.

520. A teenage boy steals his dad’s scotch, his mom’s Virginia Slims, his sister’s Mazda and his dog’s collar and has the night of his life.

521. A pile of all the different kinds of eggs.

522. A vast number of men with opinions that turn out to be irrelevant.

523. A factory farm so cruel you can taste the unspeakable fear and excruciating pain upon consuming its products.
524. A pro euthanasia activist is the only one left alive and has no one to do it for him.

525. A marketing director gets a tattoo of David Lynch on his bicep.

526. A duck on a treadmill.

527. A ghost that travels through Wi-Fi and changes the passwords to threats of violence and ringtones to ominous organ music.

528. A grocer is surprised to see the automatic door open and all the beans cans roll out the store at once.

529. A distinguished gentleman compliments another gentleman’s penis in a public restroom, flattering the sir- the two part amicably.
532. A prominent public intellectual declares the Sobe’s lizard mascot a salamander, creating much division in both the scientific and marketing communities.

531. A tattoo of the Sobe salamander lizard attracts many admirers.

532. A piano that honks.

533. A man is so plagued by nightmares of a violent gluten allergy that he embarks on a mission to raise awareness in his waking life.

534. A wise man logs into Venmo and examines the spending habits of other wise men.
535. A forest proves itself to be an enormous salad.

536. A hose that sprays what it wants.

537. A sloppy joe so sloppy no one can clean it up.

538. A popular vote determines that sex is funnier than death but many say the ballot was rigged and that certain demographics more convenient access to vote than others .

539. A depressed EMT goes to work on her birthday but the day turns around when the first emergency call turns out to be the best surprise party ever thrown!

540. A day where Jeeves gets to be the boss and he wants yesterday’s boss to lick his ass.

541. A mad sea captain pursues a white whale and eventually he finds two of them and that drives him even more mad.

542. A sleeping child where the engine should be.

543. A popular cell phone app that finds the user’s soulmate takes one curious customer to the zoo.

544. A law puts all humans who are not trusted by dogs to be locked in a kennel.

545. A beloved national park is converted into a private retreat for the magnanimously wealthy, the transition facilitated by the labor of minor offenders paid one cent per hour.
546. A congressman forgets to wipe the intern’s jizz off his chin before stepping onto the floor and addressing the house.

547. A vast number of men with opinions prove to be irrelevant.

548. A single tear of joy on its journey.
549. A dog that looks like watermelon with legs.

550. A theater advertises one movie but once the audience is inside the doors are locked and everyone is shown porno in reverse.

551. A couple of intellectuals argue- one prefers a sticky public handrail but the other prefers greasy!

552. A commute of the intestinal.

553. A methamphetamine stash in lieu of cash prize.

554. A rich history of people leaving.

555. A cop has an existential crisis.

556. A cow with two tails is the talk of the town- at the supermarket, the bank, the gym- no one can get enough of that freaky cow!

557. A break in the clouds reveals an angel playing the drums.

558. A piano concerto so elegant that the unworthy who listen to it immediately wither to the state of a decrepit invalid.

559. A dwarf in every scene without context or compromise.

560. A satanic graffiti artist call the hounds of hell to his aid.

561. A new rule: the footballers must always strip for the huddle, even if it’s cold.
562. A berry so juicy dad has to go get the mop.

563. A pregnant woman begs for change on the metro.

567. A wealthy man is attacked and killed by a dog.

568. A horrific turn of events in which a sloppy joe is decribed as a “bun taco.”
569. A cryo-pod slowly hisses open because the corpse is at maximum charge.

570. A towel is faulty, constantly damp, no one can figure it out.
571. A goblin shines a doorknob and admires its own reflection and a job well done.

572. A man is praised for his gray legs.

573. A man is arrested because his legs are so dirty.
574. A glutton for punishment is treated as royalty.

575. A popularity spike in lung cancer has everyone breathing all kinds of crazy shit to get it.

576. A company called Zank Industries takes over the world.

577. A glass of wine is declined to great offence.

578. A powdered wig that cannot be removed.

579. A goose in lieu of a horn.

580. A xylophone player plays a human ribcage, all who hear it irresistibly groove.

581. A gruel is ringing, there’s a phone at the bottom.

582. A self proclaimed “foodie” posts amends his four star Yelp review of the milkshake stand after receiving unsatisfactory customer service.
583. A duvet turns out to be a huge waste of time.
584. A new typo knig claims the crown.

585. A centaur boards the plane.

586. A boomer couple dines at Denny’s on a major holiday and they hold up the line for the register complaining to management about having difficulty understanding their server because of her accent.

587. A clay baby just sits in its crib and stares back.

588. A garage door opener so powerful it will turn a person inside out.

589. A floating bubble that no one can help but follow.

590. A new dictator immediately redoes his predecessor’s office to function like that one Jamiroquai video.

591. A frat boy sucks a marble through a straw on a dare and he does it but he choked to death on the marble.

592. A bathroom that accommodates no gender.

593. A World’s Best Shopper award is awarded to a proud simpleton.

594. A mail carrier comes for the guts of the careless fool who swallows a stamp.

595. A soothing compilation of dusty objects being cleaned with a damp cloth.

596. A rocking horse designed to depict a gagged CEO on his hands and knees is the most popular holiday gift.

597. A toddler toddles the plank.

598. A haircut so beautiful one weeps to gaze upon it.

599. A monkey with a highlighter corrects the midterms.

600. A daughter named Penny and a son named Buck.

601. A lady follows a frittata recipe and it says to kill her husband!

602. A honky sits his stupid ass down.

603. A flower growing out of a corpse bears the face of the deceased.

604. A cigarette that screams and begs for mercy when you smoke it becomes popular among the cultural elite.

604. A friendly dog arrives in the mail to everyone’s relief.

605.A pig lays an egg to signify the end times.

606. A Buddhist soul is reincarnated into a future where the rent is outrageous.

607. A no-holds-barred contest for Best Capitalist judged by God and Satan.
608. A family of snakes keep a scared naked man in a glass case and they feed him a mouse.

609. A snake wearing a backpack turns out to be God.

610. A baby that is so cute when it cries in a restaurant everyone else cries too.

611. A clown judge bangs his squeaky rubber gavel for order but everyone keeps giggling.

612. A shooter takes it to Wall Street and actually kind of does some good by murdering the scum who participate in that shit.

613. A kid sneaks on to Mt. Rushmore and puts sloppy lipstick on those guys, tags ‘bitch’ on their foreheads.

614. A jellyboned weakling microwaves a frozen Gardenburger with the strength of no men.

615. A farmer grows a beanstalk so big NASA is ashamed.

616. A goat in a robe comes out of the judge’s office but where’s the judge?
617. A tote bag that begs for more.
618. A pasta that must be preyed upon and caught.
619. A boy named “Ethaniel” is asked “What kind of name is that?” his whole life.

620. A big hat turns out to be just as good as a house anyway.

621. A parole officer gives up.

622. A dog on a magic carpet rescues all the other dogs from the pound.

623. A crime solving super computer is installed into a surfboard.

624. A commute of The Valkyries.
625. A memory foam mattress retains guilt.

626. A bag of chips that comes with a hotdog at the bottom.

627. A donut that talks out of the hole.

628. A judge determines that if a cop’s horse shits in the street it is okay to pick that shit up and throw it at the cop and call them whatever you want.

629. A brief investigation proves that the type of person who walks around chewing on one of those plastic floss pick things is always will always turn out to be a reptilian.
630. A glob of sentient goo is the barista now.

631. A poem with a url in it surprises its reader.

632. A middle aged cashier tries to explain to his younger coworker who The Sneaker Pimps were.

633. A mule for war, a mule for peace.
634. A prayer comes true but it was the dog’s prayer.

635. A boy makes a wish for all the world’s prison doors to immediately open and they do.

636. A huge orangutan takes an important call.
637. A thousand dime bags shot out of a cannon.

638. A pair of socks so long that it takes twenty minutes to start wearing them.

639. A pastor determines that the likelihood of ascending to heaven is directly proportional to the number of spiders one rescues from the shower in a lifetime.

640. A true G perched up on his wheelie luggage snakin’ on some Fiddle Faddle.

641. A cute puppy uses all the printer ink printing out pictures of other cute puppies.

642. A little elf boy models his handsome new shorts for his friends for fun.

643. A chimpanzee violently rips a cop to shreds.

644. A baby that lives inside a watermelon.

645. A substitute teacher teaches the class about Nine Inch Nails.

646. A strawberry festival is hijacked by some blueberry bullies.

647. A brown airplane is a total bummer to everyone.

648. A more glamorous city- EMTs arrive to the catastrophe bejeweled, municipal service workers grin with golden teeth, mail carrier’s capes are billowing in the wind.

649. A Mars Rover that’s a dog does a way better job than the robots they kept sending.

650. A worldwide network of lonely people complaining increases in popularity.

651. A nation awakens to discover all that’s left to eat is baby food.

652. A wise old toad kept in the judge’s desk drawer must be consulted in this particular case.

653. A capitalist government denies its citizens medical treatment, affordable housing, and fair, unbiased treatment by its judicial system.

654. A baldie descending the staircase.

655. A four star review for the Uber driver with a black eye and a ball gag.

656. A study shows that nothing exists.

657. A football game on the moon goes real slow and the ball flies super far.

658. A man locked in a chamber engaged by many rubber hands.

659. A national leader gives a shout out to all the people who have to clean public restrooms on a Saturday.

660. A few dogs get into The MOMA at night and mark their territory.

661. A woman in a birdbath gains international recognition.
662. A cop accidentally handcuffs his dick to his partner’s dick and loses the key.
663. A gentleman in wrapped in cellophane tends his garden, refills the birdfeeder, listens to NPR, enjoys a Newport light on his day off, his balls all smooshed up against his thigh.
664. A husband, distraught that his wife may be cheating him, followers her to a restaurant rendezvous where she has a romantic dinner with one of those pool floaty noodles wearing shades.

665. A zoo that draws faces on bananas and calls them snakes.

666. A future where the children only speak in indecipherable acronyms- “FLH, HUP!! JMCD??” *thrusts knife into mid-thirties man and steals his phone in broad daylight.

667. A pile of fruit rots away in an artisanal bowl on a table of reclaimed wood.
668. A warm Mt. Dew is part of the evidence but the foolish public defender drinks it.

669. A montage of gorillas in collegiate outfits “smoking” those little pipes that blow soap bubbles.

670. A pizza delivery person shows up with a box of Nazi memorabilia by mistake.

671. A mentally disabled boy gets on a pony and starts crying.
672. A patient with shingles, scabies, rickets and hiccups complains of discomfort.

673. A tourist is drugged, awakening in a bathtub full pancake batter.

674. A chicken costume that never comes off.

675. A candidate with an inappropriately sexy voice takes the podium.

676. A battle of the bands settles the Middle Eastern conflict after all these years.

677. A sudden realization that all items can be frosted puts a smile on the baker’s face.

678. A kid that gets so much dog hair on his clothes that strangers on the street give him a pat.

679. A dream about David Bowie sucking your dick means one year of good luck and everyone in this movie is trying to make it happen.

680. A young girl wishes to know what her dog is dreaming about and the wish comes true.

681. A boy grazes with the cattle out of respect.

682. A cloud unmistakably shaped like an old man emerging from a bathtub that never goes away.

683. A horse costume with an ovular hole in the middle for the horse face of the person’s face- they wear these in the secret cabal.

684. A hotshot lawyer shits his suit way more this time.

685. A gentleman severs his arms and legs, sells them and uses the money to buy a catapult, loads in his torso and fires himself directly into a brick wall.

686. A kennel for people who don’t like dogs to go in and never be let out.

687. A ‘Beast Mode’ shirt works out great for its wearer as he screams at his wife in Ikea.
688. A group who believes the cloud looks like an anteater are about to attach the group who believes the cloud looks like donkey.

689. A dinner party is delighted to see that their server has blue fingers.

690. A middle aged white guy explains “how to tell different kinds of Asians apart.”
691. A resurgence of “freakaholic,” both in word usage and general attitudes.

692. A chronology illustrated via commercials featuring products required for all of life’s major events from birth until death.

693. A Lyft line retrieves additional passengers from the cemetery.

694. A Nilla Wafer is charged with aggravated assault after some clueless idiot nearly chokes on it.

695. A portion of food so unbelievable everyone seizures.
696. A child’s meal is paid for by a portion of t-shirt sales.
697. A gift card on Valentine’s Day makes her fall in love all over again.

698. A phone that is actually really fun to charge.
699. A monkey suddenly speaks- “I’d like one banana please.”

700. A group of seven dwarves until another one shows up.

701. A day where everyone is cheerful.

702. A kombucha made by Coors snowballs in popularity.

703. A swarm like locusts but they’re flying, kissing lips.

704. A baby sneezes and a butterfly flies out of its mouth.

705. A family eats poorly and decorates their lawn with tacky plastic garbage that they barely acknowledge.

706. A house in which Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter are all the same holiday.
707. A shrimp cocktail defies all logic.
708. A rose with an eyeball in it.
709. A new plastic tree makes the regular trees look terrible.
710. A baby boomer carries out an obnoxious conversation about basically nothing on a cell phone in a public space.
711. A wonderous enchantment is placed on the oxygen tent.

712. A set of rippling abdominals attracts a mate.
713. A twist ending: everyone is living in a snow globe.

goals are just wishes that never come true

Thursday, June 6, 2019

The Illusion of Freedom

Monday, January 21, 2019

Fuck Frank Sinatra

Sunday, January 20, 2019

GAP YEAR

Friday, October 12, 2018

i'm back, babs 2.

Monday, July 16, 2018

The Governor

Thursday, April 19, 2018

About the Author